The other day I got a text from a friend of mine. She’s currently dating a great guy, and shares my love for practical advice. Because of that, she deemed my 15ish months of married-life-experience enough to ask me, “Besides prayer, how do you go about discerning marriage?”
(Our wedding day. And yes, Dan is the classiest man alive.)
As my perceptive husband has often pointed out to me, I think with my mouth. So I said a lot of things to this girl, but it all boils down to a few points. Like I said, I do not have very much experience at all. I’m still a noob in most matters that, well, matter. But I’ll only get married once (Lord willing), and the discernment of that huge decision is still fairly fresh. So here’s what I think is important.
I used to believe with all of my little heart that the Lord had one man picked out for me, whose heart was fashioned to mold to mine perfectly. I used to argue this point, saying that God was all-powerful and loves me so much—why wouldn’t He make that happen? Of course it can work out!
But the more I’ve come to know what love actually looks like (versus my gilded fairy tale idea of it—which isn’t nearly as great as the real thing), the more I see how infinitely more romantic it is for my husband to have chosen me. He really could have chosen any other woman in the world and probably would still have been very happy (he’s hecka holy, plays the guitar like it was made for his hands, he’s incredibly good looking, and an Englishman to boot. I mean—come on.) But he.chose.me. And I chose him. And he still chooses me, and I still chose him.
As frustrating as it might seem, the old phrase of “if you know, you know” is annoyingly true. But of course there are red flags and little “mmm, yes, that’s true” things to think about before you decide you want to choose someone. Like I said, I’m a great lover of practical advice.
–Will they sacrifice for you? There’s a l o t of sacrifice in marriage. Are they practicing this even now?
–Do they want what’s best for you? Namely, holiness, but also other important things. Are they willing to fight to give you what you need, vs. what you want?
–If they fail you big time, are you willing to stick it out and love them anyway? People are human, and humans make mistakes. Sometimes really big mistakes. You’ll be marrying a human. A person with a heart. Hearts makes mistakes, hearts get broken, hearts have history. But hearts have such a g r e a t capacity. To grow, to love, to become better. Diamonds are the sharpest rocks, but also the most beautiful. It’s worth the struggle.
–Is this the person you want to marry? Here’s the thing. In my experience, it all boils down to that feeling in the pit of your stomach when you ask the Lord about marrying that person. Is it right? And if it is—then marry them. Do it. There is absolutely no possible way that you can know a person “well enough” before marrying them, simply because marriage teaches you so dang much about the person (let alone yourself). Maybe I’ll write a whole new blog post about this particular bullet point. I’ve been hugely (and delightfully) surprised by how little I knew my husband before we got married. His heart is one I will be learning for a very long time. What a privilege that is, to be the only one in the entire world to know him that well. That will take years. The rest of our lives, in fact.
One last thing I want to highlight—marriage is a temporary vocation. It does not exist in heaven. Your first and most important goal for the rest of your life is to become like Christ. If your vocation is marriage, no matter how fantastic your future spouse is, they cannot fill the depths of your heart. And that’s a very very very good thing. Our hearts long for something greater—and that is Christ. That’s how we were fashioned, people. So ask the Lord what to do, and then pray for the courage to do it. As St. John Paul the Great put it so well, “Life with Christ is a wonderful adventure.” So take courage! And be adventurers.
way to thrive 